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Dating Tips
The Dating Scene - Signs of
a Promising Relationship
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult
breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t
want to go through another unhappy relationship,
but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices.
She sought my help in learning how to discern a
promising relationship from one that is bound to
fail.
In Celine’s last relationship, she had been
pulled in by Gary’s ardent pursuit of her.
She had wanted to go slower but didn’t listen
to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary’s
attention and compliments.
“Celine, my experience with men who come on
strong right away is that they are often controlling
and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?”
“Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning,
but once we were in a committed relationship, he
started to pull on me for time and attention. He
became critical and angry and petulant when I didn’t
give him what he wanted. How could I have known
all this at the beginning? What should I look for
now that I’m dating again?”
Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark.
After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying
that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and
go on a trip with her.
“Shades of Gary,” she said. “This
is a red flag, right?”
Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well
as some of the signs of a promising relationship.
SOME RED FLAGS
- Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship.
- Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you
say no.
- Becomes logical and tries to talk you out
of your feelings or your experience. Tries to
make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings
or your position.
- Talks on and on about himself or herself and
doesn’t ask you much about you, or is uninterested
when you do talk about yourself.
- An older man or woman who has never been married
and has been in a series of broken relationships.
- Numerous broken marriages.
- Has an abusive background and has not had
therapy.
- Has abandoned his or her children.
- Not open to learning from relationship conflict.
- Participates in addictions that are unacceptable
to you – smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive
eating, gambling, TV, and so on.
- Financially irresponsible.
- Not truthful.
- Has few friends.
- Judgmental of self and others. Talks about
self and others in disparaging ways.
- Is possessive and jealous. Gets upset when
you do your own thing.
- Totally different views from yours regarding
religion and/or spirituality.
- Few interests and hobbies.
Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what
you see.
“It’s not that people can’t change,”
I told her, “but you can’t change them.
If he is not okay with you the way he is right now,
then don’t pursue the relationship. If you
are an on time person and heis always late, don’t
expect this to change. If it’s not okay, then
don’t pursue the relationship. Same thing with
weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender
or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems
in relationships because people expect them to change
and get very upset when they don’t.”
SOME SIGNS OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP
- Shows respect for your feelings and needs,
even when they are different from his or her
feelings and needs.
- Is able to be empathic and compassionate.
- Is interested in what you have to say and
in learning about you.
- Is accepting of self and others – non-judgmental.
- Is open to exploring conflict and differences
of opinion.
- Does what he or she says he or she will do.
- Cares about being responsible for children
from a broken marriage – has not abandoned
his or her children.
- Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings,
health and well bring. Does not make you responsible
for his or her feelings.
- Is financially responsible. Does not expect
you to take care of him or her financially.If
divorced, takes responsibility for his or her
part of the difficulties.
- A person who was in a loving relationship
and lost their mate to death. People who have
been in loving relationships generally know
how to have loving relationships.
- Has friends that you like.
- Talks about others in caring and supportive
ways.
- Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling
to him or her.
- Similar religious or spiritual path to yours.
- Is supportive of you doing what brings you
joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your
pain.
- Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of
humor.
- Has balance between work and play. Knows how
to work hard and how to have fun.
Before you can find the “right” person,
you need to become the right person. Doing your
own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions
above for a promising relationship is the first
step in finding a loving relationship.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do
I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator
of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions
Available. |
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